Hey East Los High! We were doing an article where ELH students wrote about their first time having sex, and we realized that lots of people had experiences that could use explaining! So we contacted Sex Etc. and had one of their Sexperts write us some notes about different people’s experiences. Hopefully you all will find this as useful and interesting as we did…!
“A little scary.”
Sex, just like anything else new, can be a little scary. That’s a totally normal reaction. When you talk with a partner before and during sex about what your boundaries are and how you’re feeling, you’ll probably feel a little less scared. Also, making sure you know exactly how you’ll practice safer sex can make it a lot less stressful. It’s easier to relax when you aren’t worried about pregnancy or STDs! Not sure how to start the conversation? Check out the Communication Tool on Sexetc.org.
“Well, at least I remember waking up after my first time…”
Do you not remember your first time because you were under the influence of drugs or alcohol? Since I don’t know what the situation was, I’ll talk through some reasons people might have a similar experience and offer some resources.
Drinking or taking drugs because you’re nervous about sex isn’t a good idea. It’s normal to be nervous, but if you’re so nervous that you get drunk or high to have sex, that’s a sign you’re not ready for sex. If a partner is pressuring you to drink or take drugs before sex, that is a red flag. Check out Break the Cycle, a teen dating violence prevention website if you’re being pressured to do something you don’t want to do. If your partner put something in your drink without you knowing, that’s also not OK.
In all three cases, if someone is under the influence, she or he cannot consent to sex. If someone cannot remember having sex because of alcohol or drugs, the law considers this rape. There are resources to help you. You don’t have to go through this alone. You can call the RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) hotline and talk to a trained counselor at 1-800-656-HOPE.
“Let’s see. It was the greatest 30 seconds of my life. Afterwards I texted all my friends.”
It’s totally normal for someone to orgasm quickly the first time they have sex, especially if the partner who has the quick orgasm is male. While it’s understandable that you wanted to share what happened with good friends, you might want to keep some things just between you and your partner. Keep in mind, your partner probably won’t want everyone to know all about you two having sex. Talk with your partner about what is and isn’t OK to share with others.
“We were over at his house. His mom was super cool and didn’t want us out in a car or in some skanky motel. So we were in his den. His mom said she was going up to bed, but it was still a little weird knowing she was in the house. We had to be really quiet, and every time we heard something move upstairs we stopped.”
It’s great that your partner’s parent was so understanding. It’s also totally understandable that you’d want to be quiet and not let her hear anything—because knowing her son is having sex downstairs and hearing it can be two different things! If you’re wondering about how to talk to parents about wanting to have sex with a partner, check out the Communication Tool on Sexetc.org.
“She was super gentle. Taught me a lot of things about me—turned me on in ways I didn’t think were possible. I had been with boys before, but this was my first time with a girl. Guess I didn’t know what to expect.”
Sometimes being with a new partner or being with a partner of a different gender than you’ve been with in the past can make it feel like the very first time all over again. Some people might even consider it their first time, and that’s totally normal and OK. Just like with any new partner it can be a little nerve-wracking not knowing what to expect, but it sounds like you two moved at a pace you were both comfortable with, and that’s awesome. Remember though that same-sex partners also need to practice safer sex. You might want to check out this FAQ on Sexetc.org for more information.
“It hasn’t happened yet. I’m planning on waiting.”
It’s great that you’ve made the decision that’s right for you, and it just happens to be waiting. Whether you’re waiting until you get your own place, you go to college or you’re in love or married, you’re still going to want to know the facts about safer sex and possibly pregnancy. Check out Sexetc.org for all the sexual health info you’ll need to keep you and your partner healthy when the time does come.
“Painful. Seriously. There was like, blood on my sheets. If every time was like that, kids would not be having sex. No one would. But, as they say, it gets better.”
For some people vaginal sex can include some blood or bleeding and some pain the first time, but that’s not true for everyone. Pain can happen if there’s not enough lubrication or if a girl’s hymen breaks, but some water-based lube and a lubricated condom can help. Bleeding can happen if a girl’s hymen—which is a thin piece of tissue that partially covers the opening of the vagina in some people—tears. Take heart, if the first time someone has vaginal sex there’s discomfort and some bleeding, it usually doesn’t happen again. But good communication between partners can make what might seem like an awkward and embarrassing moment no big deal.
“Nothing to write home about. He was much older. In college already. Thinking back on it, he had me eating out of his hand, wrapped around his little pene. Seemed like he knew what he was doing. I guess he did. I don’t really regret it. At least now I’m more experienced.”
Sometimes the people around us build up having sex for the first time so much that when it actually happens it’s much less exciting or it feels like less of a big deal than we thought it would be. That’s totally an OK and normal reaction to have. It sounds like your partner was a few years older and you were really into him and he knew that. It sounds a little like maybe he had a lot of power in the relationship—older, in college, knew you liked him a lot—and that he may have taken advantage of that. It sounds like you wanted to have sex with him, but that afterwards you knew the relationship wouldn’t last. That stinks but happens sometimes. Something that might help in the future, is communicating about what expectations you have when it comes to sex. Does having sex mean you’re in a relationship? Are you monogamous? How will you feel afterwards? It’s great that you have a healthy perspective on what could be seen as a disappointing end to a relationship.
“It was like finally getting to take a piss after a long car ride. A really, really long car ride.”
This is such a great way to describe having an orgasm! It’s like a big build-up of tension and then an awesome feeling of release. Some people also describe it as sort of being like a sneeze.
“Back in eighth grade, we would have sleepovers every other weekend when her mom had to work late, and everyone just thought we were, like, really good friends. No one suspected anything because we were both girls, you know? But we would wait until my parents went to sleep and then…do stuff. I mean she has a boyfriend now so maybe she counts her first time as with him, but that stuff is what I count as my first time.”
This is a great example of how different people might define virginity and their first time having sex differently. Just remember, same-sex couples need to practice safer sex, too. Check out this FAQ on Sexetc.org for more information. Also, while it’s totally normal for someone who’s about 13 to be curious about sex, check out this FAQ from Sexetc.org if you’re thinking about having sex. And just know, if it seems like everyone’s doing it, they’re probably not since less than 10 percent of teens have sex by age 13.
“My girlfriend and I were in the backyard while my mom was making dinner. We walked behind the shed, and we started kissing and stuff. And then all of a sudden she had a condom out and we were doing it. And then it’s happening and then my phone dings and my mom is texting me that dinner is ready. So we stop and then I take off this condom and put it in my pocket and all through dinner I have this condom in my pocket.”
Wow, that must have felt pretty awkward! I hope you got rid of the condom soon after dinner—especially since, as you probably know, condoms can only be used once! It sounds like you and your girlfriend moved quickly from just making out to having sex to sitting at the dinner table. An important part of having a sexual relationship is communicating about how you’re feeling before, during and after. For some tips on things you might want to talk to a partner about before having sex, check out this FAQ on Sexetc.org.
“It kept, like, not really working. Eventually it worked I guess, but it took a long time. And I kept being like, ‘Oh it’s fine, it’s fine,’ because you want to be nice, you know? But it was frustrating.”
I’m sure lots of people have been in a similar situation, whether it was their first time or their fifth or their fiftieth time having sex. So often we see this perfect situation unfold either on TV or in the movies: it’s all soft lighting and sex just sort of happens and goes so smoothly. But, sex can be awkward and messy. It can take a bit to figure out how you and your partner’s bodies work together. It’s nice that you were willing to be patient with your partner as you two figured out how sex between the two of you would work. Communicating afterwards might also have helped. Even a simple, “How did you feel about what happened?” can open up a conversation about what you liked and didn’t like and keep the lines of communication open when it comes to sex—which is super important!